i have been avoiding talking about this, writing about it, thinking about it even. avoidance is a great tactic while it works, but it will slowly eat away at you. and while it’s been nice using the past three weeks to only cry a few times, make a ridiculous amount of jokes, change the subject whenever possible, and generally turn my thoughts away from what’s been going on - i have only been hurting myself even more. and i am finally ready to start to rebuild, to figure out what i am going to do to make myself better, and to really accept everything that has been happening.

i suppose i should start from THE EVENT. about three weeks ago, i decided to tell my parents about this fantastic person that i am dating. i’m not sure how or why i suddenly developed the courage to do what i have been wanting to do since the fall, but i did. it came up naturally in a conversation with my mom, and from there things exploded. and i mean that. i don’t care to get into the details, because for one i have rehashed this story quite a few times, and for another thing repeating all of the hurtful things that were said to me over and over again is not going to help me heal. i was told things that i never expected to hear from anyone, let alone the two people in my life that were the most important, that meant the most to me, that raised me with such an open mind and heart. but i cannot change what has happened (as much as i wish i could.) what’s done is done.

i have spent all of my energy since then exhausting every emotion you can imagine. pain. anger. frustration. disbelief. fear. hope. disappointment. 

but more than anything, i can finally say that what i am, is hurt. i am frustrated beyond belief; i am more disappointed than i ever thought possible; i secretly spend hours at a time hoping that things will suddenly change or that i imagined all of this in the first place. but above all of that, i realize that i am experiencing a raw, deep pain. a pain that hurts in a way that i can’t describe, and a pain that hurts in a way that, really, i can’t even comprehend. i don’t know what to say because i can’t explain how i feel. i never thought that things would end up like this.

another thing that frustrates me is that i don’t know what to do. part of me wants to hurt my parents just as bad as they hurt me. i want to throw this in their face. i want to flaunt it. i want to make them feel how i did, and how i still do. but i’m not good at being selfish, and one of my greatest and worst traits is the fact that i care more about others than myself. i can’t retaliate because i refuse to stoop to their level. i don’t want anyone else to experience this pain. that’s just not my style.

but i also don’t understand how people can really feel this way. forget the year, forget the progress we have made in this country and this world, forget everything. here is a fact: i am in love. i have a person in my life that makes me the happiest another human being has EVER made me. i won’t go on and on (although i really could talk about it for days), but it’s true. i am grossly, sickly, obsessively, always-wish-i-was-with-you, talk-about-our-future, every-song-reminds-me-of-you, know-i’m-annoying-but-can’t-stop-talking-about-it, in love. the kind of stuff that people talk about, make movies about, and write novels about. that kind of love. here is the other fact: i am in love with a girl. and for whatever reason, that changes how some people feel about me. and i’ll never be able to explain that because i can’t comprehend it, and i have never been able to. we are two people, and we are in love with each other. i don’t see why other factors have to change that, whether it be religion, gender, or race. those things don’t change the way we feel about each other. 

i don’t even know what i am trying to accomplish by writing this. one of my best friends recently said to me, “ya know, you always hear about the ‘it gets better’ stories, but it’s never really hit me until experiencing this with you.” and i hope that one day it will get better. i really do. for now, i guess i just have to keep on keepin’ on.